Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 47)

I’ve been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately.

(1961 – 1994) comedian
Miscellaneous

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our ‘friend.’

Miscellaneous

It’s too bad cowboys didn’t eat much pizza back in the old west, because I think a good painting would be a cowboy giving his last slice to his horse.

Miscellaneous

Give me some sugar.

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Happier 'n a puppy with two peters.

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There is one question that probably drives just about every vampire crazy: “Oh, do you know Dracula?”

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I bet when they weren’t fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye-pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.

Miscellaneous

Grandma, Show Us Your Tattoos

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If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.

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You need to get you some bidness!

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He traveled a minute in thirty seconds.

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Willy-Nilly: Impotent.

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Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.

Vanderbilt football coach
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When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, “No speaka English.”

Miscellaneous

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off; you see, we build to that.

Miscellaneous

I’ve got no dog in that fight.

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Long as a month of Sundays.

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Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

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Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

Miscellaneous

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

Miscellaneous

A fine howdy-do

Miscellaneous