Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 58)

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

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Mess with

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Talk to the table.

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Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

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His family tree is a trunk.

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It’s funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then you look at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you’ll do whatever anybody tells you to.

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Witch Doctor

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I’ve got an accountant who’s been with me forty years; if he makes a mistake, he dies.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
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Jump the broomstick

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He’s dumber than owl shit.

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She Broken My Heart, So I Broke His Jaw

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Darn it, I tumped over my tea.

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Chester drawers

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About as useful as buttons on a dishrag

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He lives in your neck of the woods.

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Acupuncture: Waiting for a cure on pins and needles.

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When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Ya-hoo! We’re rich! But it turned out to be something different.

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If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I swallowed it. So sue me.”

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Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

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She could eat watermelon through a chicken wire fence.

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She has a butt like a forty-dollar mule.

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