Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Miscellaneous
(Page 67)
Her butt is two axe handles wide.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? … I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Miscellaneous
This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar;’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’
Tim Vine
(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Miscellaneous
Wordplay
If he had a brain and was a bird, he’d fly backwards.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, “No speaka English.”
Miscellaneous
Not being born to parents who were accountants was probably my biggest mistake.
Chris Eubank
British boxing champion
Boxing
Miscellaneous
Sports
So ugly he could snag lightning
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
If that boy had a good idea it would die of loneliness.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Eddie: Mother, are you still on the computer?Gran: Yes, dear. Sometimes you get into a porn loop and just can’t get out.
June Whitfield
(1925 – ) English actress
Miscellaneous
As Gran in “Absolutely Fabulous”
He acts like he’s ten feet tall and bullet-proof.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Conceited
Other expressions
Self-important
He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Fall in for vittles.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Dinner
Let’s gather at the table to eat
Other expressions
Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter,Sermons and soda-water the day after.
George (Lord) Byron
(1788 – 1824) English poet
Miscellaneous
Though a scant 100 minutes long, After Earth feels longer and slower than your average PBS pledge drive.
Rob Vaux
writer, editor & film reviewer
Miscellaneous
“After Earth”
If I had a mineshaft, I don’t think I would just abandon it; there’s got to be a better way.
Miscellaneous
A trace of the uppity
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Self-important
Snobbish
You could grow potatoes in those dirty ears.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Tight as Dick’s hatband
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Tight clothing
Uncomfortable
Various interpretations
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marine Land says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
Miscellaneous
Happy as a pig in Palestine.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Creaking doors hang the longest.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Frail folk often outlast the younger and fitter
Other expressions
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