Subject: Places (Page 16)

The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
People Places Travel

In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water; in a developed country, don't breathe the air.

(1942 – ) British travel writer & novelist
Murphy’s Laws Places

For the white people, it would be like if you were going to Vermont.

American stand-up comedian
People Places

We might as well give them ours, we aren’t using it.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
America Places

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant – and let the air out of the tires.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Children Family Places

Given the unlikely options of attending a funeral or a sex orgy, a true Irishman will always opt for the funeral.

(1928 – 2002) Irish playwright, novelist & essayist
People Places

I just flew in from New York City, and boy is my middle finger tired.

comedian
New York City Places

France may claim the happiest marriages in the world, but the happiest divorces in the world are made in America.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Divorce Marriage Places

Coming from Canada, being a writer and Jewish as well, I have impeccable paranoia credentials.

(1931 – 2001) Canadian author, screenwriter & essayist
Canada Characteristics People Places

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Canada Communication Education Learning Places Reading/Writing

Once all the Germans were warlike and mean, but that couldn't happen again; we taught them a lesson in 1918 and they've hardly bothered us since then.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Places

I came from a real tough neighborhood; in the library the sign says “Shut the f**k up!”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

Vacation: Two weeks on the sunny sands – and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Activities Money Places Time

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

(1890 – 1970) French president, general & statesman
People Places

What do you call an honest Iranian businessman? … Asif.

(1965 – ) British-Iranian comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Honesty People Places

I think, in 10 years, hell's gonna be the only place left where you can still smoke.

(1965 – ) American comedian
Activities Future Places Time

At 19 miles, when most runners run out of steam and you hit what they call ‘the wall,’ is the exact moment you cross into the South Bronx; so here, they combine running and fleeing.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Exercise Places Sports

I come from Calcutta: in the UK you drive on the left of the road, in Calcutta we drive on what is left of the road.

Indian comedian
Activities Driving Places

The hardest part of running competitively in Wales must be keeping up with the Joneses.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Places

When it’s three o’clock in New York, it’s still 1938 in London.

(1945 – ) singer, actress & comedian
England Places Time