Author: Anonymous Page 130

Major: Area of study that no longer interests you.

Definitions Education Learning

“My wife is cheating on me,” Tom cackled.

Tom Swifties

He had to use a fire distinguisher.

Malaprops

My husband was chosen as a wheelbarrow for his friend's funeral.

Malaprops

Gold Digger: A girl who will date any man that can pass the asset test.

Definitions Money People Women

God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily.

Beliefs God People Self

I was beaming at the seams!

Malaprops

Cookie: A standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.

Definitions Food/Drink

Middle Age: That time of life when you'd rather not have a good time than recover from it. 

Age Definitions

Acorn: An oak in a nutshell.

Definitions

Communism: Nobody’s got nothin’, but everybody’s workin’.

Definitions

Nun: A creature of habit.

Definitions Religion

It is so hot… the trees are whistling for the dogs.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

Beliefs Proverbs

I am sure I have done everything in my power since I exploded the affair.

Malaprops

Durable Goods: Those that last longer than the time payments.

Definitions Things

She is so ugly… she has to trick or treat over the phone.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

“I have three houses, and I’m going to buy another,” said Tom forebodingly.

Tom Swifties

The only people who listen to both sides of a family quarrel are the next-door neighbors.

People

With Lenny in, Carl will fold like a domino!

Mixed metaphors

Men… you can’t live with them… you don’t have to.

Men People