Author: Demetri Martin

I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Time

I see cards that say ‘Get Well Soon’ … F**k that, get well now!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Health

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Reading/Writing

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”… I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Language Sports

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sports

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Reading/Writing

I want to make a revolving door that says “Pull” on it, just see how obedient people are.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Characteristics

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals

I used to play sports, then I realized you can buy trophies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sports

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Beliefs God People

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat Things

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sex Things

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Entertainment

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat