Author: Demetri Martin

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games People

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store I just flip to the about the author section… I’m like, “Done, next!”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Reading/Writing

I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat Things

I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said ‘Restrooms For Customers Only’… I thought, it must suck to work there.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink Situations Work

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games; it’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Language Sports

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that’s like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Another term for a balloon is a bad breath holder.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy… whats he doing?… eating ants… DONE!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Language

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication People Reading/Writing