Author: Jimmy Carr Page 3

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

I did a sponsored walk once…. in the end, I’d managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Activities

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato; now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Age Old Sex

I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ … and I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I love watching horror films while hiding behind the sofa… that way my neighbors don’t know I’m there.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

Swimming is good for you… especially if you’re drowning.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Activities

Say what you want about the deaf…

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication People Speech

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics

I was filling out a questionnaire that said, “Who would you most like to sleep with – anyone living or dead?” I said “Anyone living.”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Situations Wordplay

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim; she said, ‘why not? ’ I said, ‘you look fat.'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Fat

I walked up to the airport information desk and asked, “How many airports are in the world?”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

Environmentalists say that every day an area the size of Wales is destroyed… why is it never Wales.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Places

I, of course, don’t have an accent; this is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

Lingo, New Mexico

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Place Names

Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Animals Cats

When someone close to you dies… move seats.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato; now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink