Author: Rita Rudner

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Beliefs Dogs

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports; when four or more women get together, they talk about men.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Conversation Men People Speech Sports Women

A lot of rich women seeing how small they can get their dogs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Dogs Places Women

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men Relationships Time

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes; with male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Fat Men People Women

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers

I always thought I'd go to the Oscars, but only as a stalker.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment Film People Self

I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones… unfortunately, it’s a lower case l.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Places

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Appearance Body Old

All men are animals, but some make better pets than others.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die… he just didn't want to call you.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Men People

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Friends People Young

I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance Clothing

A man who goes into a supermarket for a few items would rather walk around balancing them than put them in one of those little baskets.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Men People

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance Characteristics Men People Wealth

My boyfriend and I broke up; he wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Relationships

If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Sports Television

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public; they can learn in private; in public they have to know.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Learning Men People

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction: I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Food/Drink

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they' ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Men

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations