Author: Rita Rudner

Men like phones with lots of buttons; it makes them feel important.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Men People Things

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Doctors Health

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity; that's how rich I want to be.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Money Wealth

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

My grandmother buried three husbands… and two of them were only napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Death Husbands Marriage Relationships

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes; with male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Fat Men People Women

Blonds must have more fun; how many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Death Husbands Mothers

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers Relationships

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers

I thought AAA was an organization for people who are really bad alcoholics.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Health

I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Food/Drink Hollywood Marriage Time

A man who goes into a supermarket for a few items would rather walk around balancing them than put them in one of those little baskets.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Men People

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports; when four or more women get together, they talk about men.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Conversation Men People Speech Sports Women

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Children Family Parents

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die… he just didn't want to call you.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Men People

I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones… unfortunately, it’s a lower case l.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Places

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Beliefs Dogs

My mother was the worst cook ever; in school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Clothing Cooking Family Food/Drink Mothers

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Friends People Young