Author: Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes Ugly

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn’t enough.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Family Marriage Parents

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat Girlfriends People Women

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Time

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow; he told me to wear a brown tie.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health

Life is just a bowl of pits.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Food/Drink Life

I was making love to this girl and she started crying; I said “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said “No, I hate myself now.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink

I went to a hooker…  I dropped my pants… she dropped her price.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Ugly

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was so poor I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Food/Drink Money Poverty Young

[tees off] Fore! [his ball hits Judge Smails in the crotch] … I should have yelled, “Two!”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Golf Sports TV/Movie Quotes

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking I got an odor eater.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

I came from a real tough neighborhood; every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

My wife’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “all kids smell that way.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family Intelligence Marriage Stupidity

Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Beer Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives