Author: Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes Ugly

Blanche Genaro: Look at him, he’s such a beautiful boy! He’s got my eyes!
John Genaro: And he’s got my nose!
Monty: Yeah, and my sympathy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

One night she told me to put out the garbage; I told her "you cooked it, you take it out."

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Marriage Wives

Allison Capuletti: [as Monty is walking her down the aisle during her wedding ceremony] He’s everything I ever wanted.

Monty: You don’t ask for much do you?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

With my old man I got no respect: I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

When my old man wanted sex… my mother would show him a picture of me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Mothers Sex

I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Things

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

My wife and I were happy for twenty years… before we met.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Time Wives

[after snorkeling in a hot tub with four bikini-clad co-eds] Now that’s what I call marine biology!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home, so I went over… nobody was home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway and he said, “I don’t know, no one has ever made it.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict Crime

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee; unfortunately, she was just coming home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing Sex Wives

My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath… he holds up his arms

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Health

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie;’ he said ‘God beat me to it.’

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Appearance Body Food/Drink

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

Mrs. Monahan: You pollute the air with your smoking. You reek of liquor and god knows what else. You’re an ecological menace!
Monty: Yeah, well you were the inspiration for twin beds!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I’ll put it this way… I had it out.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Entertainment People