Subject: Classifieds


Usually unintentionally humorous classified ads, personal ads, notices or announcements as they appeared in various printed “Classified Ads” sections.

2009 Happy New Years Special – Be Fit! Be Strong! – Taekwondo classes… Cardio Dick Boxing classes…

Mobil Media requires a minimum six-month contract and will be charged a $15 setup fee.

Best Selection Ever of Name Brand Tennis Shoes – 10% off any pair bought and get 2nd pair at 10% off and then take 1/2 price of that shoe. Higher price charged for 1st pair. – Marting’s Shoes

Mrs. Jody Defries is pleased to announce the arrival of Elijah Joel – 8 pounds 10 ounces… and the loss of twenty pounds.

RENTALS – HOUSING TWO BEDROOM, Sublease, nice area, BARGAIN Rent. Drawback: Big hairy spiders drop off bedroom ceiling at night.

Information – MENTALLY ILL NEEDED – To interview for Novel. Must be successful & interesting. Email: …@trsemail… (614) 537-….

Smile of the Week • I’m smiling because “I am going to buy some sheep.” Sonny Clements, Manzanola

Lost/Found – FOUND – HOMING PIGEON – Call to describe and collect.

Corduroy Pillows: They're making headlines!

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

The Macon County Humane Society offers a free spay/neutering to senior citizens if they adopt an animal out of the animal shelter.

Food Stamps Excepted [sic]

WANTED: 30 Chinamen and a zeppelin for elaborate practical joke. Can you help? Please call…

Sinister-looking man with a face that only a mother would love: think of an ageing Portillo with a beard and you have my better-looking twin. Sweetie at heart, though. Nice conversation, great for dimly-lit romantic meals. Better in those Welsh villages where the electricity supply can't be guaranteed. Charitable women to 50 appreciated. Box…

SEE-THRU WINDOWS – Your Quality Windows & Door Experts – It’s time to replace those drafty, energy-wasting windows & doors…

No matter what your top coat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15

Unashamed triumphalist male for the past 46 years. Will I bore you? Probably. Do I care? Probably not.

Dillards 60% off Christmas Sale! – From December 14–21 Dillards will be having the largest sale of the year on cloths, toys, fits, household items, furniture and jewelry, shoes, hats, mens wear and evening wear, just in time for Christmas! There will be a Special Appearance by Satan between the hours of 5pm until 9pm for your kids!… [sic]

Dear recently-expired subscriber…

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