Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
View All Authors
If there are only two shows worth watching, they will be on at the same time.
Jones's Second Law of TV Programming
The Catholic Church is still very angry about The Da Vinci Code… they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.
(1950 – ) comedian & television host
The Da Vinci Code
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
I don’t want to say too much about illegal immigration; I’m afraid my views will be reported on the Cinco O’Clock News.
(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless.
(1921 – 2000) comedian, television host, musician, actor & writer
God is good, but never dance in a small boat.
After seeing the opera Tosca, Yogi remarked, “I really liked it, even the music was nice”
(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
After seeing the opera Tosca
I went to see that Pavarotti last week… he doesn't like it when you join in.
(1930 – 2007) English comedian & nightclub owner
I don't like sex on television… I keep falling off.
The only new show worth watching will be cancelled.
Jones's First Law of TV Programming
If it wasn't for white people, who would play lead guitar?
(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Speak clearly, don't bump into the furniture.
(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
On his advice about acting
Dictum on television scripts: We don't want it good – we want it Tuesday.
(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter
The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments – the very lower bowel of music.
Peter De Vries
(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Let's face it, show business is run by 2,000 Jews and Oprah, and she lives next door to Spielberg, which makes her Jewish by association.
(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author
The play opened at 8:40 sharp and closed at 10:40 dull.
Heywood Hale Broun
(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
On the opening of a Broadway show
If an artist has talent, he needs no other critic.
Acting is a form of deception, and actors can mesmerize themselves almost as easily as an audience.
(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
George Bernard Shaw
(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.
English standup comedian
An actor enters through a door, you've got nothing; but if he enters through a window, you've got a situation.
(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Page 1 of 36
Copyright © Just-One-Liners.com