Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Australia's gift to insomniacs; it's nothing but the blonde singing the bland.
(1947 – 1979) American singer
To Raoul Walsh a tender love scene is burning down a whorehouse.
Jack L. Warner
(1892 – 1978) Canadian-American film producer (Warner Brothers)
She ought to be arrested for loitering in front of an orchestra.
(1945 – ) singer, actress & comedian
About Helen Reddy
On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.
(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
You might be a redneck if… an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
(1924 – 1984) American author
My Dog Skip
On a theater marquee
I don't know what was wrong with my television last night, but I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station, and I actually bought a congressman.
(1951 – ) American comedian & writer
For every little kid who still believes in Santa Claus, there is at least one adult who still believes in professional wrestling.
(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back… luckily, I was the one facing the telly.
(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
It's not music, it's a disease.
(1911 – 2010) American bandleader
Keanu Reeves, perhaps worried that he was showing too much range, has purged himself of all expression apart from a worried frown and a sorrowful grimace.
(1966 – ) American journalist & film critic
“The Matrix Revolutions”
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
George Jean Nathan
(1882 – 1958) drama critic, editor
Acting is merely the art of keeping a large number of people from coughing.
(1902 – 1983) English actor
Get up from that piano; you hurtin' its feelings.
Jelly Roll Morton
(1885 – 1945) American ragtime and early jazz pianist, bandleader & composer
To someone playing poorly
Even when you are not playing you are holding me back.
(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist
If there are only two shows worth watching, they will be on at the same time.
Jones's Second Law of TV Programming
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
(1947 – ) comedian & television host
[Art is] the reasoned derangement of the senses.
(1905 – 1982) American poet, translator & critical essayist
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
The scratch on the record is through the song you like most.
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