Author: Wilson Mizner

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Appearance Body Insults

Art is science made clear.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Art Science/Weather

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Government Insults Law Lawyers Money

Why should I talk to you? I've just been talking with your boss.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Last words

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, "Have you read…"

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Honesty Lies

Always be nice to people on the way up; because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Situations Work

Failure has gone to his head.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Failure Insults Problems

This might have been good for a picture… except it has too many characters in it.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Entertainment Film

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Fools Intelligence People

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Husbands Marriage Situations Sleep Wives

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing from something.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Activities

The most efficient water power in the world – women's tears.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Women

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Beliefs Education Religion

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Marriage

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Communication Insults Opinion

In the battle of existence, talent is the punch; tact is the clever footwork.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics

Another pot of coffee, waiter, and bring it under your arm to keep it warm.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Food/Drink

He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Frugal Insults Money

Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Intelligence People

Life’s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Life Time

Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor – unassisted.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Emotions Love