Author: David Letterman

It is so hot… Dick Cheney waterboarded himself.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Heat Science/Weather

The New York Jets have been given permission to sell Girl Scout Cookies.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Football

Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Intelligence People

USA Today has come out with a new survey; apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Facts People Science/Weather

President Clinton apparently gets so much action that every couple of weeks they have to spray WD-40 on his zipper.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Insults Sex

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Dance Entertainment

The only reason he had a child is so that he can meet babysitters.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Insults People

 I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4½ minutes – when they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Baseball Death Health Sports

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Autos New York City Situations

There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Entertainment Work

New York… when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
New York City Places

You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Insults

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Characteristics Intelligence

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Places

Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Activities Characteristics

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
America Places

There's no business like show business… but there are several businesses like accounting.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Entertainment Occupations Work

Do you know what I love most about baseball? … the pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt… and that’s just in the hot dogs.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Baseball Food/Drink Sports

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
New York City Places

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Insults

The first Presidential debate was down in Florida and residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
President Television