Author: Steven Wright Page 3

Death to all fanatics!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs People

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

My friend has a baby; I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Crime

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

On the other hand… you have different fingers.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Body Communication Language

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Drugs God People

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there; hunters would be all confused.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Science/Weather

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings… no paint, no canvas; I just think about it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Art Entertainment Thinking

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year, and I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Old Young

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Fights Things

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals

Cross country skiing is great… if you live in a small country.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Sports

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Mind

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord… I kept almost dying.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Science/Weather

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Body Things