Author: Steven Wright Page 5

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things Travel

Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “You have to put your two cents in?” … somebody’s making a penny.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Money

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Conflict Things

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

On the other hand… you have different fingers.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Body Communication Language

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals

I went to the 24-hour grocer; when I got there, the guy was locking the front and I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Time

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

My friend George is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations Sleep World

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Characteristics Fear

I took a baby shower.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won’t accidentally walk through another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather Situations

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights and now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Emotions Fear