Author: Steven Wright Page 6

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

I’ve always been bad at spelling – not sure whether it’s nature or nurture.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

I like the Stones; I can’t believe they’re still doing it afer all the years… Fred & Barney.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out; now I can go 500 mph.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Conflict Things

You can't have everything; where would you put it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line… he caught every other fish.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Art

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Past Things Time

I have a fax machine with “fax waiting.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations Things

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Dogs

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends People

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things