Subject: Sex

Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

I learned about sex the hard way… from books.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Sex

If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humor was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex.

(1973 – ) English actress
Relationships Sex

My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night; now, we’ll never see each other!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex

I liked Amsterdam… I spent $2,000 window shopping.

(1957 – ) American comedian
Places Sex Shopping

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

(1946 – ) filmmaker, actor & writer
Religion Sex

Sex drive—a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Marriage Sex

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Activities Sex

My dad told me, ‘Anything worth having is worth waiting for.’ I waited until I was fifteen.

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Sex

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Intelligence Men People Sex

Sex Education: Sermon on the mount.

Definitions Sex Wordplay

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Marriage Sex

I once went on a date and asked the woman if she’d brought any protection… she pulled a switchblade on me.

writer, website creator
Dating Sex Situations

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned… do not have sex with the authorities.

(1954 – ) cartoonist, screenwriter, producer & creator of The Simpsons
Sex

I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast.

(1958 – ) standup comedian, actor, game show host & photographer
Sex

Let’s face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Dating Sex Situations

When you don’t have any money, the problem is food; when you have money, it’s sex; when you have both, it’s health.

(1926 – ) Irish American novelist & playwright
Health Money Sex

The electric guitar – like making love – is much improved by a little feedback, completely ruined by too much.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Sex Things

It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Sex Time

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Sex