Subject: Definitions (Page 68)

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Old Age: When you don’t recognize either the host or the musical guest on Saturday Night Live.

Age Definitions

Elector: One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man’s choice.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Elections/Voting Government Language

Vegetarian: Indian word for bad hunter.

Definitions

Etiquette: A convenient code of conduct which makes lying a virtue and snobbishness a righteous deed.

Definitions

Lawyer: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Government

Racehorse: A fast means of redistributing wealth.

Activities Definitions

Philanthropist: One who returns to the people publicly what he steals from them privately.

Definitions People

Experience: A form of knowledge acquired only two ways: by doing and being done.

Definitions

Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Definitions Wordplay

Accordion: A pleated bagpipe.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Dieting: The triumph of mind over platter.

Definitions

Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

Children Definitions Family

Vacation: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

Definitions

The Cocktail Party: A device for paying off obligations to people you don’t want to invite to dinner.

(1916 – 1986) American minister & author
Activities Definitions People

Experience: In the working world, something you can’t get unless you’ve already got it, in which case you probably don’t want any more of it.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

Matrimony: The splice of life.

Definitions Marriage Wordplay

Taxes: A funding method which allows people to test their powers of deduction.

Definitions Taxes

Lottery: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

Brain: The apparatus with which we think we think.

Body Definitions

Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom.

Clothing Definitions

Outdo: To make an enemy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language