Quotes and One Liners

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false – rumors circulate in business offices more than any place else.
Charley Weaver: That’s false, Peter, and we’re certainly going to miss you around here!

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Under the right circumstances, could a 100-year-old man father a child?
Paul Lynde: With a nurse and maybe a mortician standing by.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… NASA officials report that when Chinese vice-premier Dang visited the astronaut training headquarters recently, the one big question he demanded to know was… where the astronauts go to the bathroom?!
Paul Lynde: The answer was over China!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to The Cosmo Girl’s Book Of Ettiquette, what does Helen Gurley Brown say you should put in your bra to attract men?
George Gobel: A copy of Sports Illustrated.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, what landed “I know not where?”
Paul Lynde: Amelia Earhart.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law to bake something into each loaf of bread. What?
Paul Lynde: A Christian.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What is a good reason for pounding meat?
Paul Lynde: Loneliness! 

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Who said, “Richard Nixon was the most difficult man I ever had to paint?”
Charlie Weaver: Earl Scheib. [A company which specialized in repainting automobiles]

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: When is it a good idea to put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for two minutes?
Paul Lynde: When your house is surrounded by the police.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Spiro Agnew was in the infantry during World War Two. Was he decorated?
Wally Cox: He looked really pretty in the puka shells but they made him take them off…

Wally Cox

(1924 – 1973) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What are “dual purpose” cattle good for that other cattle aren’t?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies… but I don’t recommend the cookies!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Traditionally, on Ground Hog Day, what is the ground hog looking for when he comes out of his hole?
George Gobel: Well, anything except a speeding lawn mower.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… you can get a camel to be more cooperative by giving it tobacco and perfume.
Rose Marie: You can get an awful lot out of me that way!

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, “Love to me is something you…” Something you what?
Paul Lynde: Purchase.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Playboy Magazine recently published a book by billionaire J. Paul Getty called, “How To …” How to what?
Paul Lynde: How To Treat Oily Skin.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… drinking alcohol reduces the amount of male hormones in your body?
George Gobel: You can’t scare me!

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Paul Lynde: Well, it’s easy to steer.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire recently announced that after 30 years, they’re going to do something together one more time. What?
Paul Lynde: Trade hairpieces.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What new motion picture has an ad campaign that states “He’s a lonely forgotten man desperate to prove that he’s alive?”
Marty Allen: Nixon Goes To China.

Marty Allen

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In The Wizard Of Oz, the Tin Man wanted a heart, and the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor