Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Dear Abby, it’s nature’s signal that something is wrong. What is it?
George Gobel: When your son starts waxing his legs.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: During the 18th century it was common for a bride to sell something at her wedding reception to help pay for the cost of the wedding. What did she sell?
Paul Lynde: Her first born.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Will a lightning rod work if it’s bent?
Dom Deluise: My lightning rod wouldn’t work… I’m going to have my doctor check my bent rod!

Dom Deluise

(1933 – 2009) actor, comedian, film director, chef & author

Peter Marshall: When is it a good idea to put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for two minutes?
Paul Lynde: When your house is surrounded by the police.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.” What did she give her children to eat?
Charley Weaver: She lived in a shoe? Filet of sole!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: At the end of the movie The Planet of the Apes, what does Charlton Heston see that makes him realize that he is actually in New York City?
Paul Lynde: A Puerto Rican.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Tommy Smothers and President George Washington share a common outstanding physical trait that's very noticeable and unique. What is it?
Charley Weaver: They both have wooden teeth.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to The People’s Handbook Of Medical Care, it’s the single-most important factor in letting you know that something is wrong with you. What is it?
George Gobel: It’s when people pass you on the street, and go “YECCH!”

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… drinking alcohol reduces the amount of male hormones in your body?
George Gobel: You can’t scare me!

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Which is higher, a vice admiral or a rear admiral?
Charley Weaver: That depends on who drinks the most.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: It used to be called “9-pin.” What’s it called today?
Paul Lynde: Foreplay!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, can doctors do anything for your stretch marks?
Rose Marie: Well, if he's musically inclined, he can strum them.

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: Paul, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Do we get heat from stars?
Paul Lynde: You will if I have to share my dressing room again.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What’s the one thing you should never do in bed?
Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations ordering goats as standard equipment?
Paul Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Should you train your very young children on the piano?
Charley Weaver: No, try newspapers.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to the old song, what’s breaking up that old gang of mine?
Paul Lynde: Anita Byant!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor