Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 65)

Here’s a good tip for when you go to the beach: a sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don’t taste like it.

Miscellaneous

Ain't that the berries!

Miscellaneous

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients… but we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Miscellaneous

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

Miscellaneous Proverbs

like trying to herd cats

Miscellaneous

I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president; then somehow I get myself elected president.

Miscellaneous

From Debutante to Doublewide

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If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.

Miscellaneous

Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers?

Miscellaneous

Beauty’s In The Eye Of The Beer Holder

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I’ve always felt sorry for Jesus ‘cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
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If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I swallowed it. So sue me.”

Miscellaneous

Peter Marshall: Rich, what land animal has the largest eyes?

Rich Little: [doing his impersonation of her] Why, that would be Carol Channing!

(1938 – ) Canadian-American impressionist & voice actor
Miscellaneous

We don’t air our dirty laundry out in public.

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Who died and left the gate open?

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She can burn water.

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Don't let the bear get'cha.

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Rough as a cob

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In this adventure Harry will do battle with giant lizards, face the attack of the Death Eaters, and in perhaps the most difficult task of all for a 14-year-old, ask a girl to be his date at the Yule Ball.

Miscellaneous

Like a live oak limb

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When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Miscellaneous