Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 69)

You are about as grateful as a toothache.

Miscellaneous

You can put a porcupine in a wood chipper, but you will not make maple syrup.

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Throw the hatchet

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Probably one of the main problems with owning a robot is when you want him to go out in the snow to get the paper, he doesn’t want to go because it’s so cold, so you have to get out your whip and start whipping him, and the kids start crying, and oh why did I ever get this stupid robot?

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It don’t take long to examine a hot horseshoe.

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He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

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“The prisoner escaped down a rope,” said Tom condescendingly.

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Prettier than a spotted heifer in a pansy patch!

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Pencil Neck Geek

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He’s playing possum.

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He’s shorter than a mouse hole.

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Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home, his face might burn up.

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The dinner bell is always in tune.

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I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo, I’d have all my money back.

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He don’t use his kindlin’ to get a fire started.

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Y'all stay the night. We don’t have extra beds, but I’m sure we can find a nail to hang you on.

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She’s so poor she ain’t got two nickels to rub together.

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If I ever get burned beyond recognition, and you can’t decide if it’s me or not, just put my funny fisherman’s hat on my head. “See, it’s me!”

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When I told my therapist I have an imaginary dog he said; ‘Well, at least you don’t have to pick up shit in the street' … so I’ve stopped doing that.

comedian
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Refried Dreams

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When I think of some of the things that have been done in the name of science, I have to cringe… no, wait, not science, vandalism; and not cringe, laugh.

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