Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 71)

His brain rolls around in his head like a mustard seed in a five gallon bucket.

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I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetery, they found fragments of human bones! What kind of barbarians were these people, anyway?

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Don't get your tit in a ringer!

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To me, clowns aren’t funny, they’re kind of scary; I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

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Basket name

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Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.

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That’s how the cow ate the cabbage.

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A trace of the uppity

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Empty as a winter rain barrel.

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Cute as a sack full of puppies.

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Gooder’n snuff and not half as dusty

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He is purse proud.

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If you ever go temporarily insane, don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do; instead, try to get some weeding done, because you’d really be surprised

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No, it’s liquid sunshine.

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When I picked up the little dead mouse that my cat had killed, at first I felt sad… then I felt hungry; I forget what happened after that.

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He would steal the shitball from a blind tumblebug, give him a marble and put him on the wrong road home.

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What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?

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The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother… they’ll settle for a puppy every time.

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Couldn't hit a barn if you were on the inside.

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Pretty is as pretty does.

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He’s a good ol’ dog, but sometimes he sh*ts to close to the porch.

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