Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 71)

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, ‘No speaka English.”

Miscellaneous

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off; you see, we build to that.

Miscellaneous

… like a turd in the punchbowl

Miscellaneous

Girdler,  Kentucky

Miscellaneous

Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals.

Miscellaneous

Speaker: I have only ten minutes and hardly know where to begin.

Voice in the back: Begin at the ninth.

Communication Miscellaneous Speech

Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.

Miscellaneous

Within a lash

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Cooter-backed road

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Like three feet up a bull’s ass

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Liberty: Consists in giving everyone full right to mind everyone else’s business.

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My Granpappy Don’ Smoke No Grass

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They scoffed when I told them I’d one day learn the secret of invisibility; if they could only see me now.

(1980 – ) English magician & comedian
Miscellaneous

Take a slack

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You are about as grateful as a toothache.

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Instead of a bicycle built for two, what about no kinds of bicycles at all for anybody, anymore?… there, are you happy now?

Miscellaneous

Two ax handles acrost

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It'd be quicker to train kudzu.

Miscellaneous

Is It Hot In Here Or Is It Me?

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If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.

Miscellaneous

He could talk a dog off a meat wagon.

Miscellaneous