Subject: Relationships

I'm trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.

American comedian
People Relationships Women

Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.

Dating Definitions Relationships

I have some distant cousins that got sucked into one of these pyramid schemes – you know, building them in Egypt.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Relationships

The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Insults Relationships Ugly

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dogs Relationships

Bachelor: A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Definitions Men People Relationships

I didn’t know whether to break up with my girlfriend or take a break, so I planted weed in her purse and called the cops. Now I have 30 days to figure things out.

American comedian
Girlfriends Relationships

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number… she looked great going down the stairs.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Dating Relationships

To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
People Relationships Time Women

I broke up with this girl… I can't tell you her real name, of course, because – well, she didn't tell me her real name.

comedian
Dating People Relationships

You might be a redneck if… your family tree doesn’t fork.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family People Relationships

Lester: I told you I’m putty in your hands.
Halley: What am I gonna do with a handful of putty?

(1945 – ) American model, activist & actress
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.


Men Relationships Women

Society honors its living conformists and its dead troublemakers.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
People Relationships

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Relationships

The best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one!

Dating Men Relationships Sex

If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs

Book Titles Relationships Sex

I took a girl out on a date the other night and I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere sexually, you know, because I was out of chloroform and rags.

(1961 – ) American actor & comedian
Dating Sex

I like being married for two reasons: 1) I got really tired of dating, and 2) I got really tired of exercising.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Dating Exercise Marriage Relationships

If her lips are on fire and she trembles in your arms, forget her… she’s got malaria.

(1921 – 1974) Canadian comedian
Relationships