Subject: Situations (Page 34)

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Science/Weather Situations

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector; and just as I suspected, my machine was broken.

(1982 – ) American author
Emotions Love Situations

I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection… she pulled a switchblade on me.

writer, website creator
Dating Sex Situations

I was on Oprah Winfrey once, but the cops pulled me off of her, and now she's pressing charges.

American comedian
Situations

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter
Animals Situations

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: air conditioning… problem solved.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Work

They say that after a brush with death the world looks different and that was true for me, but by the time I caught my breath, I realized that it was because I had lost my glasses.

(1945 – 1997) American novelist & scholar
Death Situations

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Failure Situations Success

I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong – but that's the way to bet.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Situations

My doctor said, 'I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is you don’t have premenstrual syndrome; the bad news is… you’re a bitch!'

(1949 – ) American actress & comedian
People Self Situations

If it looks easy, it's tough… if it looks tough, it's near impossible.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Situations

Maybe it would have been better if neither of us had been born.

(1769 – 1821) French general & politician
Life Situations

My friend has difficulty sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations Sleep

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

The incidence of anything worthwhile is either 15-25 percent or 80-90 percent.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, so I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

A compromise in the sense that being bitten in half by a shark is a compromise with being swallowed whole.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Situations