Subject: Situations (Page 53)

I was having difficulty deciding if I wanted to purchase this bed I was looking at, so the salesman told me… sleep on it.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations Sleep

The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations Things

Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire?… the one nearest the door of course.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Art Entertainment Situations

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Sex Situations

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Communication Situations Speech

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.

comedian
Characteristics Dating Relationships Situations

All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

(1892 – 1942) American painter
Animals Ideas Intelligence Situations

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase… I can hardly contain myself.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Situations

If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.

(1914 – ) American comic & actor
Situations

In order to make a man or boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain.

Characteristics Men People Situations

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

(1913 – 1970) football coach
Characteristics Situations

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations Taxes

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

(1961 – ) Canadian–American actor, voice actor, author, producer & activist
Beliefs Marriage Religion Situations

A barrel of monkeys would be a lot of fun… unless it's been sealed for 6 or 7 months.


Situations

You don't even think about the fact that the game is impossible: you're 30 feet away, trying to throw a hot dog into a wine bottle.

comedian
Situations

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Situations

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations