Subject: Situations (Page 49)

If I knew what I was so anxious about, I wouldn't be so anxious.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Situations

New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions; next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations Time

If I could take just one thing to a desert island… I probably wouldn’t go.

comedian
Situations

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents; that surprised me, I was like “Mom did you read this?”

(1957 – ) American comedian
Family Situations

Even a spotted pig looks black at night.

Expressions Situations

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage People Situations

All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Situations

I think it would be really confusing if you’re performing an abortion and somebody runs in and says, “Abort! Abort!”

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language Situations

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig; you get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Animals Situations

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

So I'm like, 'Hold up, slick, I thought McDonald's was supposed to have fast and friendly service.' She's like, 'That's at participating McDonald's, and we ain't participating.'

David Adkins (1956 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?

Situations Things

I used to carry condoms, but I know I’ve got a better chance of getting a stomach ache than getting laid.

American comedian
Health Sex Situations

If you’re flammable and have legs, you’re never blocking a fire exit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Communication Situations Speech

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, “Back up, I don't know how big this gets.”

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Sex Situations

If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.

(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist
Beliefs Situations

Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Death Situations

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.


Characteristics Situations

I slept with this girl, in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed… she said one pig in the blanket was enough.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Food/Drink Situations