Subject: Situations (Page 50)

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

Good times end too quickly. Bad times go on forever.

Life Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Ideas Intelligence Mothers Situations

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence Situations

Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Communication Laughter Situations

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Death People Self Situations

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

Never murder a man who is committing suicide.

Government Murphy’s Laws Politics Situations

How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?

(1976 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

If all else fails, try the obvious.

Problems Proverbs Situations

Don't corner something that is meaner than you.

Expressions Situations

If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Death Family Fathers Misspokements Situations Travel

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Poor Jesus; first he's crucified, then he has to spend his Saturdays with Jerry Falwell.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Relationships Situations

Whatever happens, look as if it was intended.

Acting Entertainment Murphy’s Laws Situations

The worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on a toy train.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Situations

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Murphy’s Laws Places Situations

I stayed in a really old hotel last night; they sent me a wake-up letter.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations

Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations Things

Birthday parties always end in tears.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations