Subject: Situations (Page 47)

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Situations

Oh, last week was a rough week, I noticed my gums were shrinking… I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Situations

There’s nothing scarier to me than a group of men who go to the gym a lot, wear tight shirts, and are out enjoying a “boy’s night” fueled by vodka, Red Bull, and cologne from Walgreens.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Situations

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

What we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

(1917 –1986) American journalist
Situations

I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be… you watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Situations Things

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Crime Situations

You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

I love watching horror films while hiding behind the sofa… that way my neighbors don’t know I’m there.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

If the thermometer had been an inch longer we’d all have frozen to death.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Cold Science/Weather Situations

Have you ever worn a different deodorant and for the rest of the day you feel like there is a stranger standing next to you.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

I think it would be really confusing if you’re performing an abortion and somebody runs in and says, “Abort! Abort!”

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language Situations

If everybody wants it, nobody gets it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn’t be seen dead at.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Situations

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

(1860 – 1904) Russian short-story writer, playwright & physician
Characteristics Fear Marriage Situations

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist – and worse… she can prove it.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Intelligence Love Situations

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Characteristics Past Situations Time