Author: Rod Schmidt

There aren't enough days in the weekend.


Time

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them… now I can ride a unicycle.


Activities

I took a course in speed waiting… now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.


Learning Time

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?


People

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?


People Places

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.


God

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?


Communication Reading/Writing

The sky is falling… no, I'm tipping over backwards.


Science/Weather Situations

Ever try to Scotchgard a sponge?


Situations

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.


Eating Food/Drink

I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”, and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”


Situations

I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.


Appearance Body Characteristics Emotions Situations

I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.


Appearance Clothing

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.


Animals Appearance

In school, every period ends with a bell… every sentence ends with a period… every crime ends with a sentence.


Education School

I had amnesia… once or twice.


Health Memory

I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


Activities Money

I Xeroxed my watch… now I have time to spare.


Things Time

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s and the clerk said, “ten-four.”


Activities Communication Language Shopping

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


Emotions Situations