Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Saturday, May 17, 2025
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Subject:
Sports
(Page 72)
Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re good at it, you deserve a medal.
Lewis Black
(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Sex
Sports
Olympics
Oral sex
The only way I'm going to get a Gold Glove is with a can of spray paint.
Reggie Jackson
professional baseball player
Baseball
Sports
Fielding
Gold Glove
He can run anytime he wants; I’m giving him the
red light.
‘Yogi' Berra
(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Baseball
Sports
Yogi-isms
Green light
Stealing bases
Jerry's a nice kid, but so's my wife… and she's no quarterback.
John McKay
(1923 – 2001) American football coach
Football
Sports
There's a deep fly ball… Winfield goes back, back… his head hits the wall… it's rolling towards second base.
Jerry Coleman
(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Baseball
Misspokements
Sports
The people of this country have allowed football to get completely out of hand, and that’s fortunate for my bank account.
Howard Cosell
(1918 – 1995) American sports journalist & television commentator
America
Football
Places
Sports
Hockey is a sport for white men; basketball is a sport for black men; golf is a sport for white men dressed like pimps.
Tiger Woods
professional golfer
Appearance
Clothing
Golf
Sports
The safest place would be in the fairway.
Joe Garagiola
(1926 – 2016) American baseball player, announcer & television host
Golf
Sports
Before teeing off at a golf tournament
The only sport where you can spend an arm and a leg to break an arm and a leg.
Henry Beard
(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of
National Lampoon
)
Activities
Health
Sports
Skiing
As a person gets older he doesn't get faster. Our quarterback will run from fright or lack of protection.
John McKay
(1923 – 2001) American football coach
Football
Sports
On the importance of an older quarterback's mobility
I know I've got a lock on the Dutch Hall of Fame.
Bert Blyleven
Dutch-born American baseball pitcher
Baseball
Places
Sports
Dutch
How would you know, Sean? When I was playing you were in your 3rd year of 8th grade?
Brian Hayward
Canadian hockey player & commentator
Hockey
Sports
On comments Sean Avery made about his [Hayward’s] playing days
Say Satch, tell me, was Abraham Lincoln a crouch hitter?
‘Lefty’ Gomez
(1908 – 1989) American baseball player
Age
Baseball
Old
Sports
Ribbing Satchel Paige about his age
Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting.
Peter Dobereiner
golf writer
Golf
Sports
Putting
What’s the toughest thing in a professional football game? … Its being the mother of the quarterback.
John Madden
(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer
Family
Football
Mothers
Sports
Ferrari leads, McLaren second, McLaren second, Jordan third, and Benneton fifth and sixth.
Murray Walker
(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Auto racing
Insults
Misspokements
Sports
That slow motion doesn't show how fast the ball was traveling.
Richie Benaud
Australian cricketer & commentator
Misspokements
Sports
Cricket
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions
Golf
Laughter
Sports
Pro
It ain’t over ’til it’s over.
‘Yogi' Berra
(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Baseball
Sports
Yogi-isms
Edwards missed getting Stearns at third base by an eyeball.
Jerry Coleman
(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Baseball
Misspokements
Sports
Aren’t all coaches
interim
coaches?
Wren Blair
Canadian ice hockey coach
Hockey
Sports
Coaches
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How would you know, Sean? When I was playing you were in your 3rd year of 8th grade?