Subject: Sports (Page 72)

Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re good at it, you deserve a medal.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright

The only way I'm going to get a Gold Glove is with a can of spray paint.

professional baseball player

He can run anytime he wants; I’m giving him the red light.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

Jerry's a nice kid, but so's my wife… and she's no quarterback.

(1923 – 2001) American football coach

There's a deep fly ball… Winfield goes back, back… his head hits the wall… it's rolling towards second base.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer

The people of this country have allowed football to get completely out of hand, and that’s fortunate for my bank account.

(1918 – 1995) American sports journalist & television commentator

Hockey is a sport for white men; basketball is a sport for black men; golf is a sport for white men dressed like pimps.

professional golfer

The safest place would be in the fairway.

(1926 – 2016) American baseball player, announcer & television host

The only sport where you can spend an arm and a leg to break an arm and a leg. 

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)

As a person gets older he doesn't get faster. Our quarterback will run from fright or lack of protection.

(1923 – 2001) American football coach

I know I've got a lock on the Dutch Hall of Fame.

Dutch-born American baseball pitcher

How would you know, Sean? When I was playing you were in your 3rd year of 8th grade?

Canadian hockey player & commentator

Say Satch, tell me, was Abraham Lincoln a crouch hitter?

(1908 – 1989) American baseball player

Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting.

golf writer

What’s the toughest thing in a professional football game? … Its being the mother of the quarterback.

(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer

Ferrari leads, McLaren second, McLaren second, Jordan third, and Benneton fifth and sixth.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator

That slow motion doesn't show how fast the ball was traveling.

Australian cricketer & commentator

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

It ain’t over ’til it’s over.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

Edwards missed getting Stearns at third base by an eyeball.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer

Aren’t all coaches interim coaches?

Canadian ice hockey coach