Subject: Things (Page 11)

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

You can't have everything; where would you put it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

The electric guitar – like making love – is much improved by a little feedback, completely ruined by too much.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Sex Things

Expressways aren’t.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

The first word you see at the airport is “terminal.”

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Activities Things

I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Things

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall; if I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

American comedian & television host
People Situations Things

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realized you could watch it on TV for nothing.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Things

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Autos Sex Situations Things

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Things Time

Saturday afternoon, although occurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always takes this railway by surprise.

(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator
Problems Things

Big girls need big diamonds.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress
Things

Why can’t Facebook end instead of Letterman?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Things

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Arms Games Murphy’s Laws Things

Condoms aren't completely safe; a friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Things

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Accidents Autos History

Passport: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Activities Definitions Individuals Things Travel

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

The three things that mean the most to me in life are my parents, Casablanca and college football – not necessarily in that order.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Life Things