Subject: Things (Page 21)

Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise… that way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Things

Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

I'm an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube… this morning I made 12

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Things

Do they still make wooden Christmas Trees?

cartoon character in, Peanuts, by Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000)
Things

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead… I think I did that joke backwards.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall; if I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Old Things

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.


New York City Places Things

You might be a redneck if… you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

Love will make you move all the way across the country and sell all your shit… just to get away from that person.

(1967 – ) is an American comedian & actor
Emotions Love Things

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol
Things Time

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman
Emotions Things

I like to leave messages before the beep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

Beware of gifts bearing Greeks.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
People Places Things

Expressways aren’t.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

1. If you can get to the faulty part, you won't have the tool to get it off. 2. If you can get the part off, the parts house will have it back ordered. 3. If it's in stock, it didn't need replacing in the first place.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Things

I had my coathangers spayed.


Things

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Things Women

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Places Science/Weather Things