Author: Demetri Martin Page 4

I have an ‘l’ shaped sofa… lower case.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce… instantly.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Time

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Time

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Language Sports

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

My plumbing is all screwed up… because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Language Reading/Writing

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat Things

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body

Per capita – just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name… DJ Abraham Lincoln.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Reading/Writing

Hiking is just walking where it’s ok to pee.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Self

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said “Guess.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People Self Situations

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things