Author: Fred Allen Page 2

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics Entertainment Hollywood Places

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Activities Definitions

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics Communication Money

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Success

He should take the horse hairs out of his bow and return them to the tail of the horse.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Music

An income tax form is like a laundry list – either way you lose your shirt.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Clothing Government Taxes

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and – I can't remember what the third thing is.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Intelligence Memory

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Death Things

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are still in the cat.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Cats Entertainment Music

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Hollywood Places

He’s done everybody’s act; he’s a parrot with skin on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Insults People

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Communication Death

The dime hasn’t been minted that could march past Jack Benny.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Frugal Money

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Appearance Clothing Insults

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Beliefs Sex

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
England Food/Drink Places

A gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. 

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
People

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Children Family Fathers

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink Health

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Communication