Author: Groucho Marx Page 2

Die, my dear? Why, that's the last thing I'll do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Last words

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Money frees you from doing things you dislike; since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Money

I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at storks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Sex

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Body Women

No, I’m breaking it in for a friend.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Self

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Relationships Women

Home is where you hang your head.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Communication Intelligence New York City Reading/Writing

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints… they’re upstairs in my socks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Beliefs

I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Happiness Money

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
America Entertainment Government Military Music Places

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Men Old People Sex Women

I’ll see you at the opera tonight. I’ll hold your seat till you get there. After you get there you’re on your own.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Wives

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Government Marriage Politics

I hope they bury me near a straight man.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Emotions