Author: Jon Stewart Page 2

You know, if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Money

Oscar [of the Academy Awards] is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Elections/Voting Government

I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Canada Places

If “con” is the opposite of "pro," then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Congress Government Language

Spain's new Prime Minister … announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq… meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Government Places Politics Situations

There is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Money Situations

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
America People Situations

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite,' and I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right; what's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs Government Politics Religion

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Children Family Fathers

Critics noted Schwarzenegger’s only previous government experience was serving as chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, where his only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was doing anyway.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Government

We just expressed our suffering differently as people; Blacks developed the blues… Jews complain… we just never thought of putting it to music.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
People

I do have some sad news to report: Bjork could not be here; she was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Conflict

Yesterday, the President met with a group he calls the coalition-of-the-willing; or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Government

The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Death Government

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body… like a Peanuts character.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Appearance Body People Self

We called her Mother Earth… because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Places

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Characteristics People

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Entertainment Television

The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Communication

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
People Sex

The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Death Government Politicians