Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 10

Fettucini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink People

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Situations Things

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match: “It's a fight to the finish” … that's a good place to end.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Boxing Sports

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" and I answered, "It's a Boys."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Miscellaneous

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie; “Come on ‘long prosperous life!’”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Death Food/Drink

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. “I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number; it started with 555.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Dating

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. … you're supposed to yell, Fore! but I was too busy yelling, “There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Golf Sports

Jamaican Air – Every flight is the red-eye!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Travel

Sometimes I get really lonely… especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

If you're a fish, and you want to be a fish stick, you must have very good posture.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Food/Drink

My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick… that would be convenient.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities