Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 9

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances; seems easy… you just say what the thing does and add “er.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

You know they call corn-on-the-cob – corn-on-the-cob… but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, – corn-off-the-cob.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I’d buy a “baby naming book” … or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Books Children Family

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Communication Language

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us… or they thought we were OK.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes, but how do you explain football then?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Football Sports

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records… nothing was alphabetized!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Money Speech

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: air conditioning… problem solved.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Work

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger" … every picture of you is of when you were younger.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Age Young

I had my palm read; I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

Why are there no “during” pictures?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things Time

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Situations

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it, he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Reading/Writing

If I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Children Family