Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 10

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Cats

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes, and I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I’d buy a “baby naming book” … or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Books Children Family

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

I think Foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Food/Drink Games

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,“Forget everything you know about slipcovers,” so I did, and it was a load off my mind; then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Memory Television

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Relationships

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Money Speech

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the f**ker gave me the smallest slice possible; if the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f**ker gave me the “donate it to charity” slice.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Animals Sleep

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things