Author: Richard Jeni Page 2

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck and since the first two are a function of the third, it’s pretty much all luck.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower. – America

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered when they die but they’re not getting up early on a Sunday.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

You know what the average person is?… average.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

I finally got her to watch a porno with me, and I did not get the reaction I was after; alright, I shouldn’t have started her off with one that I was in – that was a mistake.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

One out of every three Americans… weighs as much as the other two.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

I’m Catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it’s a bird!

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

They’re the only couples you’ll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

Know why it takes so many sperm to fertilize one egg – cause none of those f**kers will ask for directions.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.' on how Chicago got started

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

The way I see life, is like we’re all flying on the Hindenburg… why fight over the window seats?

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gassing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites, whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75; walked back out in the street – genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor