Author: Stewart Francis Page 5

I married way too young… she was Chinese.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded children?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

I'm not much of a storyteller… interesting how that all started…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Death Language

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Health

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Health

Knock knock jokes are completely wasted on the homeless.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we'll see about that.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Doctors Health

Did I already tell you my Alzheimer's joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me, “Son…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers Speech

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

What is the big deal about trainspotters… I counted 27 of the losers today.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities

My doctor thinks I’m taking hallucinogenic drugs… how do I know?… let’s just say a little bird told me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities

Through no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree; he is still bitter and twisted.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Emotions

My teacher used to say I wasn't very observant… to be honest, that was her opinion.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I ran a sculpting studio, until it went bust.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents Things

My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech Work

My mum walked in on me wanking and looking at her wedding pictures. "You perv!" she screamed at me.
It's not what you think, Mum… I was looking at the priest.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex