Keyword: Funerals

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral – which I thought was cocky.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Death

I hope you go before me because I don’t want you singing at my funeral.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Death Entertainment

If anyone cries at my funeral, I will never speak to him again.

(1890 – 1965) English comic actor, writer & director (of Laurel & Hardy)
Death

Why shouldn’t we air grievances at funerals?

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Death

I had a friend who was a clown and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Death Friends People Things

Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies’ Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral

Book Titles Death

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Death

You might be a redneck if… your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Conflict People Rednecks Relationships

You might be a redneck if… you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

At the funeral, everyone said, 'What a shame, he died penniless;' I don't know — to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hell of a budget.

American comedian
Death Money Poverty

In the city, a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country it is a form of popular entertainment.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician
Death Entertainment Places

I hate going to funerals because I’m not a mourning person.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Communication Death Wordplay

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize,’ … except at a funeral.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Language

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

(1892 – 1964) singer, dancer, comedian, actor & songwriter
Death Marriage

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Death Self

A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
Communication Death Speech

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Death

Jolson’s funeral was widely attended by those who wanted to make sure.

(1898 – 1981) actor, singer, songwriter & movie producer
Death

In the city a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country it is a form of popular entertainment.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Death

The Johnson family will attend the funeral of Susie's former husband, who died in Flint, Michigan tomorrow.

Church Bulletins

People get way too much credit at funerals.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Death