Subject: Family » Fathers (Page 4)

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Family Fathers

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church; and every Sunday I lie and say: “Sorry. Wrong Number.”

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Family Fathers

My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course – ’cause he’s Japanese.

comedian
Communication Family Fathers Places

My old man never liked me; he gave me my allowance in traveler’s checks.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs Family Fathers Religion

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” … so he went out and bought a present for my mother.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Fathers Mothers

You might be a redneck if… your dad’s cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Fathers People Rednecks

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill – “He wants his mother.”

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Fathers Mothers

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Fathers Food/Drink

One day my father took me aside… and left me there.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Family Fathers People Self

Before he died my father told me he never really walked to school without any shoes.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Death Fathers School Situations

Father: A guy who is working his child’s way through college.

Definitions Family Fathers

My old man was dumb, he picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence

My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Family Fathers

Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don’t want to say hi, but you sort of have to because he’s your dad?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Family Fathers

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.' I’d say ‘Yeah? When?'

Family Fathers

The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Characteristics Children Family Fathers

The Night Dad Went to Jail

Book Titles Family Fathers

I first suspected that my father was gay when I asked him to pick a number between one and ten, and he was all, ‘I’m gay.’

(1978 – ) American actor, comedian & writer
Family Fathers