Author: Ambrose Bierce

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Intimacy: A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Scotsman: A man who, before sending his pajamas to the laundry, stuffs a sock in each pocket.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Slander: To lie, or tell the truth about someone.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Congratulation: The civility of envy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, “the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.”

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Revolution: An abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Mouth: In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Reparation: Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
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