Author: Ambrose Bierce

Rite: A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Circus: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Un-American: Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Self-evident: Evident to one's self and to nobody else.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Man: An animal [whose]… chief occupation is the extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Rumor: A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

University: A modern school where football is taught.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Congratulation: The civility of envy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Discussion: A method of confirming others in their errors.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Woman: An animal… having rudimentary susceptibility to domestication… The species is the most widely distributed of all beast of prey… The woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Accountability: The mother of caution.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Reconsider: To seek a justification for a decision already made.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
The Literacy Site