Author: Erma Bombeck

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be; no one cares, why should you?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Things

Guilt: The gift that keeps on giving.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Characteristics Definitions

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage; Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Situations

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

My second favorite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in; filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Health

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour; I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Elections/Voting Government

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill – “He wants his mother.”

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Fathers Mothers

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat… all you can do is move it around, like furniture.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Body Fat

We were a generation born too late to eat goldfish and too early to flash.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Age Life

Airline steaks are done when they say they are done.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Food/Drink

It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage People Self

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Sports

I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Elections/Voting Government Intelligence President Stupidity

When someone asked me once if I ever thought of leaving Bill, I asked, “Where?”

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory… an empty gin bottle.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Children Clothing Family

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Family Things