Author George Burns | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Burns Page 2

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

For thirty years my act consisted of one joke; and then she died.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment My act One joke Wife Gracie Allen

The Jack Benny I knew threw his money around… not far – but he threw it.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Frugal Money Jack Benny

I think that after the third marriage Georgie tried to claim his divorce attorney as a dependent.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Divorce Government Lawyers Marriage Taxes George Jessel

We often think the way Gracie talks, but we pride ourselves that we never talk the way Gracie thinks.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Communication Individuals People Speech Thinking On wife Gracie Allen

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Sex Air Dirty

Retire? … I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Age Entertainment Old Work Retirement Show business

Everything that goes up must come down; but there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

People Self Sex

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Emotions Family Happiness Relationships Close-knit family In another city

I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Age Dating Old People Relationships Women

Acting is all about honesty and if you can fake that, you've got it made.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Acting Characteristics Entertainment Honesty Faking

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Age Old Things Shoelaces

Let me tell you about Jack's singing voice… it made his violin playing sound good.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment Music Jack Benny Singing Violin Voice

Milton's act was every bit as good as Jessel's or Cantor's; in fact, it wasn't only just as good, it was the same.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment Jokes Milton Berle stealing jokes

I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Activities Age Old Cigars Smoking

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

America Government Intelligence Occupations Places Work

I think Jessel’s philosophy about golf was something like: If all you’re going to do is chase the ball, why hit it in the first place?

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Golf Sports George Jessel

He was asked to throw out the first ball at a World Series game; but … he looked at the ball and, instead of throwing it, he put it in his pocket and sat down.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Activities Frugal Money Sports Jack Benny

Of all the great qualities he had, and there were so many, there was one thing that set him apart from everybody else; he really thought I was funny.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Characteristics Self Humility Jack Benny

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Books Communication Reading/Writing

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? … It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Relationships Situations Affection

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Author: George Burns Page 2

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

For thirty years my act consisted of one joke; and then she died.

The Jack Benny I knew threw his money around… not far – but he threw it.

I think that after the third marriage Georgie tried to claim his divorce attorney as a dependent.

We often think the way Gracie talks, but we pride ourselves that we never talk the way Gracie thinks.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Retire? … I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.

Everything that goes up must come down; but there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.

I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Acting is all about honesty and if you can fake that, you've got it made.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Let me tell you about Jack's singing voice… it made his violin playing sound good.

Milton's act was every bit as good as Jessel's or Cantor's; in fact, it wasn't only just as good, it was the same.

I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

I think Jessel’s philosophy about golf was something like: If all you’re going to do is chase the ball, why hit it in the first place?

He was asked to throw out the first ball at a World Series game; but … he looked at the ball and, instead of throwing it, he put it in his pocket and sat down.

Of all the great qualities he had, and there were so many, there was one thing that set him apart from everybody else; he really thought I was funny.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? … It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.