Author George Burns | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Burns Page 3

Jolson's ego was so big he could have given the Lord himself an inferiority complex.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Age Old People Respect my elders

Of all the great qualities he had, and there were so many, there was one thing that set him apart from everybody else; he really thought I was funny.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Characteristics Self Humility Jack Benny

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous; when I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Age Work Retirement

What can I say about Milton Berle that he already hasn't said himself?

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Characteristics Opinion Speech Humility Milton Berle

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Sex Air Dirty

Nobody ever had to steal Georgie's affections – he gave them away at the drop of a skirt.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Emotions Sex Affections George Jessel

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Emotions Family Happiness Relationships Close-knit family In another city

Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Activities Age Old Sex

When he was held up by a robber who demanded, "Your money or your life?" Jack's silence while he thought it over was the funniest thing never said on radio.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment Jack Benny Radio Silence

For thirty years my act consisted of one joke; and then she died.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment My act One joke Wife Gracie Allen

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Books Communication Reading/Writing

Calling Durante's nose large is like calling Jack Benny "thrifty."

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Appearance Language Jack Benny Jimmy Durante Nose Thrift

Let me tell you about Jack's singing voice… it made his violin playing sound good.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment Music Jack Benny Singing Violin Voice

Jack Benny would end his act by playing a tune on his violin, so naturally he got a big cheer when he finished.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment Music Applause Jack Benny Violin

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Age Old Things Shoelaces

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

America Government Intelligence Occupations Places Work

Jack was so cheap that instead of bringing his date flowers, he brought her seeds.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Frugal Money Flowers Jack Benny Seeds

Over a fifteen-year period Jack raised almost $6,000,000 for the benefit of classical music; of course, a lot of people claimed that that was his way of paying for the damage he'd caused it.

George Burns

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Entertainment Music Charity Jack Benny

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Author: George Burns Page 3

Jolson's ego was so big he could have given the Lord himself an inferiority complex.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

Of all the great qualities he had, and there were so many, there was one thing that set him apart from everybody else; he really thought I was funny.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous; when I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.

What can I say about Milton Berle that he already hasn't said himself?

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Nobody ever had to steal Georgie's affections – he gave them away at the drop of a skirt.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.

Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

When he was held up by a robber who demanded, "Your money or your life?" Jack's silence while he thought it over was the funniest thing never said on radio.

For thirty years my act consisted of one joke; and then she died.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

Calling Durante's nose large is like calling Jack Benny "thrifty."

Let me tell you about Jack's singing voice… it made his violin playing sound good.

Jack Benny would end his act by playing a tune on his violin, so naturally he got a big cheer when he finished.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

Jack was so cheap that instead of bringing his date flowers, he brought her seeds.

Over a fifteen-year period Jack raised almost $6,000,000 for the benefit of classical music; of course, a lot of people claimed that that was his way of paying for the damage he'd caused it.