Author: Steven Wright Page 5

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Emotions Fear

You can't have everything; where would you put it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands; her name was “woman.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Women

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out; when she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Reading/Writing

How young can you die of old age?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Death Life Old Young

I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Shopping Things

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. the people who live above me are furious!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Drugs God People

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic… I mimic my shadow.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Cold Science/Weather

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things