Author: Woody Allen

I have an intense desire to return to the womb… anybody's.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sex is like death… only after death you don’t feel like a pizza.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

There is no question that there is an unseen world; the problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers – they’re going to make a game out of it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I believe there is something out there watching over us… unfortunately, it's the government.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

That’s OK, we can walk to the curb from here.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, to think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Linda: Would you like us to call a doctor?

Allan: No, no, I could use a three foot band-aid.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Halley Reed: He wants to produce something of mine.

Clifford Stern: Yeah, your first child.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m not a fighter; I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Living is messy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch; my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille; I used to rub the dirty parts.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
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