Author: Woody Allen

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I believe people ought to mate for life… like pigeons or Catholics.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

God is silent; now if only man would shut up.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

When he tells you he wants to exchange ideas, what he really wants is to exchange fluids.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I've ever had.

Boris: Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I hate reality… but nevertheless, it’s still the only place to get a good steak.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Linda: Would you like us to call a doctor?

Allan: No, no, I could use a three foot band-aid.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Nancy: My lawyer will call your lawyer.

Allan: I don’t have a lawyer. Have him call my doctor.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'm not anti-social – I'm just not social.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don't tan – I stroke!

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I don’t think my family liked me… they put a live teddy bear in my crib.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge… others only gargle.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
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