Author: Woody Allen

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I had a terrible education… I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again… Great, I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as Warren Beatty’s fingertips.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

God is silent; now if only man would shut up.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people… between five, it's fantastic.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I've ever had.

Boris: Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

[After a fight] Yeah, I’m fine. I snapped my chin down onto some guy’s fist and hit another one in the knee with my nose.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sex is like death… only after death you don’t feel like a pizza.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'm giving [my analyst] one more year… then I'm going to Lourdes.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Hannah: Excessive masturbation?

Mickey: You gonna start knockin’ my hobbies?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

My knowledge of art is limited to Kirk Douglas as Vincent Van Gogh.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I ran into Isosceles; he has a great idea for a new triangle!

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

We played strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'm what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there's an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian